Hello class, Dr. Jones here. I got a dating map Dad gave me that came from Atlantis. I don't follow maps to buried treasure, but I follow maps to love.
Unfortunately, the instructions are written in a language no one speaks, not even me.
Hieroglyph maps are like transcripts on food labels. If you want to make bacon, you don't need to read all the instructions to cook it, you just need to get the temperature and time right - the rest is common sense. Now, if you'll stop blowing spitballs at...
Mitch here. Sit down at my table, pour a glass of bubbly, straighten up your tie and listen while I tell you about the 32 dating rules. These rules have been hidden by wise men and passed around for years. I got them from
Charlie Chaplin (but he didn’t follow them). We think Buster Keaton started them, but no one really knows. Who the hell cares any way, that’s not going help you when you’re picking up a woman. Here it goes:
1. Compliment her name. Know about names. I got a book once at the...
Luke here. Drag says I am an original and wanted me to give you boys some dating tips. I don’t know what original means. I guess everyone is kind of an original in their own way. I just do what I want and try to laugh a little along the way. Here it goes boys:
1. Squint your eyes a lot like you’re looking at the sun.
2. Always keep the top three buttons of your shirt undone and have some dirt on it too.
3. Go to the barber often to keep the lines on your mane tight.
4. Have dirt on your pants.
5....
HI, NAME’S WALLY WILSON WALTERS THE NINTH AND I CAN HIT EM. I BAT 9TH WITH A .999 AVERAGE. HOMERS, I GOT 99 OF THEM. GOT 9 RINGS TOO. 9 PINSTRIPES ON MY OUTFIT TOO. PLUS I WEAR NO. 9. I LIVE ON BEER AND CRACKER JACKS. SAVE ALL THE PRIZES, GOT 999 OF THEM. BUT IT WASN’T ALWAYS THAT WAY. I USED TO RIDE THE BENCH ALL THE WAY FROM CALIFORNIA TO TORONTO. THEY CALLED ME, “WALLY WON’T HIT IT.” BUT NOW, I AM PROVING THEM ALL WRONG. THE STANDS ARE FULL OF FANS CHANTING “WALLY WILL HIT IT.” SQUIRELS IN...
Mitch here. From the way your bangs are lying to the side like a tar mud pie, I can see you've been talking to Cary. Not a good idea. You got a silly Quiff and now you look like a carnival freak show. Stanwyck will never return your calls. You should toss a Pompadour like Elvis, he's a real hound dog. After I started throwing a Pomp, Marilyn said she'd sing me Happy Birthday. Cary really? Guy's batting zero in productive-hair-care. It looks like Al Capone cut his hair with a Tommy Gun. Only a...
Cary here. From the way your hair is sticking up in the air like a wet rooster, I can tell you've been talking to Mitch. Not a good idea. Mitch was all Crew Cut until he rode to Hollywood on a boxcar.
It was me that taught him about the Quiff at the Pacific Dining Car one night over oysters and scotch. Hell, he thought Vitalis was Cadillac oil. He still throws a Pompadour sometimes like Elvis. See how many dates that gets you. He should toss a Ducktail in there like James Dean, then he'd at...