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RULE #1

Mitch here. Get your mane cut every two weeks so it moves like an ocean wave breaking on the shore of old Mexico. Always take a picture to show the barber, only a sucker rolls the dice with his bangs on the line.

RULE #2

Have bang tossers everywhere: in the Cadillac glove box, the side door pocket, in your jacket pocket, back pocket, front pocket, bedroom, bathroom, living room, backpack, knapsack, sock, fanny pack, underwear, hell, I even have one top of the Breadbox in the kitchen so...

Mitch here. Sit down at my table, pour a glass of bubbly, straighten up your tie and listen while I tell you about the 32 dating rules. These rules have been hidden by wise men and passed around for years. I got them from Charlie Chaplin (but he didn’t follow them). We think Buster Keaton started them, but no one really knows. Who the hell cares any way, that’s not going help you when you’re picking up a woman. Here it goes:

1. Compliment her name. Know about names. I got a book once at the...

"Cary here. From the way your hair is sticking up in the air like a wet rooster, I can tell you’ve been talking to Mitch. Not a good idea. Mitch was all Crew Cut until he rode to Hollywood on a boxcar. It was me that taught him about the Quiff at the Pacific Dining Car one night over oysters and scotch. Hell, he thought Vitalis was Cadillac oil. He still throws a Pompadour sometimes like Elvis. See how many dates that gets you. He should toss a Ducktail in there like James Dean, then he’d at...

"Mitch here. From the way your bangs are lying to the side like a tar mud pie, I can see you’ve been talking to Cary. Not a good idea. You got a silly Quiff and now you look like a carnival freak show. Stanwyck we’ll never return your calls. You should toss a Pompadour like Elvis, he’s a real hound dog. After I started throwing a Pomp, Marilyn said she’d sing me Happy Birthday. Cary, really? Guy’s batting zero in productive-hair-care. It looks like Al Capone cut his hair with a Tommy Gun....