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RULE #1:

"Mitch here. Get your mane cut every two weeks so it moves like an ocean wave breaking on the shore of old Mexico. Always take a picture to show the barber, only a sucker rolls the dice with his bangs on the line.”

RULE #2

“Have bang tossers everywhere: in the Cadillac glove box, the side door pocket, your jacket pocket, back pocket, front pocket, bedroom, bathroom, living room, backpack, knapsack, sock, fanny pack, underwear, hell, I even have one top of the breadbox in the kitchen, so...

Growing up in Mississippi, one thing was for certain: everyone listened to jambands. And if there was one jamband they liked more than all the rest, it was The Grateful Dead.

I could never understand why all these frat boys from Ole Miss and the University of Georgia were driving around in their Jeeps and Tahoes listening to a band full of hippies from the Haight in San Francisco, but they were. It makes sense though when you think about it because The Dead’s largest influences were...

“Mitch here. From the way your bangs are lying to the side like a tar mud pie, I can see you’be been talking to Cary. Not a good idea. You got a silly quiff and now you look like a carnival freak show. Stanwyck we’ll never return your calls. You should toss a pompadour like Elvis, he’s a real hound dog. After I started throwing a pomp, Marilyn said she’d sing me Happy Birthday. Cary really? Guy’s batting zero in productive-hair-care. It looks like Al Capone cut his hair with a Tommy Gun. Only...

"Cary here. From the way your hair is sticking up in the air like a wet rooster, I can tell you’ve been talking to Mitch. Not a good idea. Mitch was all crew cut until he rode to Hollywood on a boxcar. It was me that taught him about the quiff at the Pacific Dining Car one night over oysters and scotch. Hell, he thought Vitalis was Cadillac oil. He still throws a pompadour sometimes like Elvis. See how many dates that gets you. He should toss a ducktail in there like James Dean, then he’d at...