"Cary here. From the way your hair is sticking up in the air like a wet rooster, I can tell you’ve been talking to Mitch. Not a good idea. Mitch was all Crew Cut until he rode to Hollywood on a boxcar. It was me that taught him about the Quiff at the Pacific Dining Car one night over oysters and scotch. Hell, he thought Vitalis was Cadillac oil. He still throws a Pompadour sometimes like Elvis. See how many dates that gets you. He should toss a Ducktail in there like James Dean, then he’d at least look like a rebel or something. Whatever you do, avoid the Mop-Top those rockers are importing from overseas (like that will ever catch on). It’s a freak show. And stay away from the Pencil Thin Moustache. It might get you in the door with a gal on the freak factor, but you’ll be batting zero when she sees the light hit the Vitalis.
Follow me:
Take your bangtosser, soak it in coconut oil and stroke your mane to the side while rocking your hand. That will make your wave a mellow tube that breaks around the ear. Please don’t let Mitch talk you into a Pompadour – your bangs will be reaching for the stars like they were riding in a Karmann Ghia on US 1 at ninety miles on hour. Then all you would need is a toothpick in the mouth and a bomber jacket to strike out before “Hello” (just remember to only button the bottom button on the jacket). And don’t let the barber use color or you might look like you squirted ketchup out of your hot dog into your hair while watching me kiss Grace Kelly. And don’t let the barber blow dry either. The last time Mickey blow dried, I looked like a wet dog for two hours and it took a whole bottle of coconut oil and an elephant tusk handled bang tosser to make a roll. Are you still gonna to listen to Mitch? Maybe? Geez, he’ll steer you so far off, you’ll be in Antartica and have to write Santa to bring you a gold plated bangtosser and a hair drier to keep you warm. I am not talking to you anymore. And take a hat with you if you speak to Mitch or you’ll wish you had hat hair. I am not done here. Mitch couldn’t find a bangtosser with a metal detector. He combs blindfolded. Sometimes I wonder if he even has a mirror.
Look I have mirrors everywhere, mirrors and bangtossers, can’t have one without the other. Mitch thinks he’s Elvis with that Pompadour. He’d be better off throwing a Ducktail in a Quiff. Listen kid, you got a long way to go. You’ll last a lot longer if you let your bangs roll sideways.”