"Mitch here. From the way your bangs are lying to the side like a tar mud pie, I can see you’ve been talking to Cary. Not a good idea. You got a silly Quiff and now you look like a carnival freak show. Stanwyck we’ll never return your calls. You should toss a Pompadour like Elvis, he’s a real hound dog. After I started throwing a Pomp, Marilyn said she’d sing me Happy Birthday. Cary, really? Guy’s batting zero in productive-hair-care. It looks like Al Capone cut his hair with a Tommy Gun. Only a sucker has a shootout with his bangs on the line. See any cowboy’s with a Quiff? No wonder he’s never been in a Western. His bangs look like shoe polish had a date with kelp. He couldn’t cover it with a cowboy hat. Stand still while I fix yours with my teak bangtosser I got on the set of Macao. 

I am about to make your wave crash like Himalayan ice cycles melting into rose petals. See, it looks better doesn’t? Sort of? Did Cary hypnotize you with that Quiff or was it his floral bow tie? Guy’s never seen a necktie. Squirt three shots of Creed at your face to break the spell. Sand. That’s what you need. Waves crashing on sand. That Cary roll is a swamp. How many chicks hang out at the swamp? How about the ocean? That’s what your Pomp looks like right now. They’ll be sunbathing in it. You might even get Stanwyck to ask you to rub lotion on her back. Then you’ll thank me. I might even show up and sing you Coconut Water off my Calypso album. Did you see my Pomp on the cover? It almost took me out of the picture. I had two drinks that day, one for me and one for my mane. I got soldiers battling at the Fort Knox of the bang waves I am breaking. 

I am like some kind of salsa- rollerskating-themed-welfare party for out-of-shape combers. They all need bang tossers. Cary too. Guy still uses a brush! Try sliding that in your backpocket! The Pomp is a miracle of exotic hair folics flowing into an atmosphere of sand and water. Tommy guns fire bullets around my mane. (holding his hands and fingers forward and moving them around in circles) Calypso-caged-animal-fanged somber of gumdropping bangtossers and lollipops shocking your waves into submission. Now you’re hypnotized!! Repeat after me, “From this day forward, I will only comb up and back. I will not embarrass myself or others like Cary. I will sing every song off Calypso three hundred times a day and have bangtossers everywhere. No mirrors – that’s what toasters are for.”