Mitch here. Sit down at my table, pour a glass of bubbly, straighten up your tie and listen while I tell you about the 32 dating rules. These rules have been hidden by wise men and passed around for years. I got them from Charlie Chaplin (but he didn’t follow them). We think Buster Keaton started them, but no one really knows. Who the hell cares any way, that’s not going help you when you’re picking up a woman. Here it goes: 

1. Compliment her name. Know about names. I got a book once at the Santa Monica library, had a whole list of names. Works like a charm. 

2. Go ahead, ask her out. What are you so afraid of? She’s just a girl. 

3. Listen. 

4. Ask questions. 

5. Listen some more. 

6. Open doors. 

7. Always walk in between her and the street, so a newspaper boy doesn’t hit her with the LA Times. 

8. On a first date, buy drinks, food and flowers, but no jewelry. 

9. Wear a suit and a tie and take her somewhere nice. 

10. Always tuck in even if you’re wearing an undershirt. 

11. Pleats only. 

12. Take your hat off inside. What? You don’t have a hat? Why I am even talking to you. 

13. Carry a roll of bills for tips. 

14. Always overtip. 

15. Always respect her. 

15 1/2. Don’t let her disrespect you, respectfully. 

16. Mean what you say and say what you mean. 

17. Carry a lighter even if you don’t smoke that way your there for her. 

18. Don’t walk across the room. Glide. 

19. Leave out the details. 

20. If she wants to dance, two-step or tango. 

21. Kiss her when she’s not expecting it. 

22. Always clean shaven or she’ll be kissing sandpaper. 

23. Never cry unless you get some Creed in your eye. I am wearing Green Iris Tweed right now. 

24. Always carry a comb in your back pocket. Only a sucker lets the wind play games with his hair. 

25. Always thank her when the date is over. 

26. Say something poetic about the moon. 

27. Call her the next day to go eat saltwater taffy at the county fair. 

28. If it’s Stanwyck, she’ll be wearing high heels, so you’ll need cowboy boots, but then that throws off the whole wardrobe, so just act taller. 

29. If it’s hot outside, remember to sling your jacket over your shoulder and hold it with two fingers, but don’t loosen your tie. 

30. Back at the house, make her take her shoes off at the door and pretend like you’re in the jungle. 

31. Turn the radio on and show her your antique coin collection. 

32. Break for three shots of Creed, one to each wrist and another to the neck, but don’t loosen your tie. 

And remember guy, love is like a Cadillac, it’s best when the baby blue steel fenders are bending across a road going home and the top is down so you can feel the wind (don’t forget your comb, only suckers let the wind toss their bangs around).