RULE #1
Mitch here. Get your mane cut every two weeks so it moves like an ocean wave breaking on the shore of old Mexico. Always take a picture to show the barber, only a sucker rolls the dice with his bangs on the line.
RULE #2
Have bang tossers everywhere: in the Cadillac glove box, the side door pocket, in your jacket pocket, back pocket, front pocket, bedroom, bathroom, living room, backpack, knapsack, sock, fanny pack, underwear, hell, I even have one top of the Breadbox in the kitchen so I can re- arrange my bangs in the toaster steel before breakfast.
RULE #3
After you go to the bathroom, apply some Aventus from the Butler’s tray and slip him a rolled up twenty, then look in the mirror, place one foot forward, dip down a bit and then glide that bang tosser through your lion’s mane four times before putting the gun back in it’s holster. Now you’re ready to dance. Let’s just hope Sinatra’s singing "Chicago" when you hit the floor.
RULE #4
If you’re going out on the town, you should consider investing in a switchblade comb. This way if some bozo tries to mug you and your gal you can pull that bang tosser out of your back pocket and flash it at him. When that sucker sees those bristles come out, he’ll be running.
RULE #5
Vacationing at the ocean presents a very delicate situation for your mane. When Bogie and I are out on my Catamarin off Catalina Island, I always have a bangtosser lassoed around my neck and a spear gun nearby so I am ready if a shark gets jealous of the bang waves I am breaking.
RULE #6
A man from the hills stopped me in Bergdorf’s one day while I was making waves crash with my mane in front of a mirror at the Creed stand. He said he’d never seen a bangtosser before and asked if he could have mine. I said no, but I can give you lessons in throwing bang curls for free.
RULE #7
To make your waves hold in place and shine like the noon sun is hitting them, use Vitalis Hair Tonic. I carry back ups in my Cadi and my coat pocket.
RULE #8
Never let anyone touch your bangs unless it’s a woman after five o’clock. You know why they call it a bad hair day? Because the mane has a mind of it’s own. It likes to be sweet talked with a bangtosser before it’s petted.
RULE #9
Always put your bangs to bed before you lie down. I sing mine Sinatra, but I keep it quiet or sometimes they dance back and forth on top of my head and the next day, the tide is so far out on my head even my hand made Mason Pearson can’t make the waves curl.
RULE #10
Cowlicks can make the tide roll out on your hair. I have a feeling cows don’t like bangtossers. I like real milk from cows. I like horses too – I never had a horse lick though. I got a horse named Fred, his mane is always breaking like the pipeline at North Shore.