Hello class, Dr. Jones here. I got a dating map Dad gave me that came from Atlantis. I don't follow maps to buried treasure, but I follow maps to love. 

Unfortunately, the instructions are written in a language no one speaks, not even me. 

Hieroglyph maps are like transcripts on food labels. If you want to make bacon, you don't need to read all the instructions to cook it, you just need to get the temperature and time right - the rest is common sense. Now, if you'll stop blowing spitballs at me, I'll fold this into a paper airplane and sail it to you. 

1. Have a felt fedora to cover your bald spot and never take it off. Staple it to your head so it never moves. 

2. Choose wisely and rescue the girl from fire. 

3. Quote Charlamagne. 

4. Make her always call you doctor even though you're only a scientist of rocks, it just sounds better. 

5. Treat her like a rare artifact, polish her often. 

6. Take her for a ride on your Harley Softail back to the house. 

7. Have globes and maps everywhere (hide your snowglobe collection). 

8. Show her your Mickey Mantle baseball card collection. 

9. Let her throw a dart at a map and go where it lands. 

10. Pack your custom made Ghurka leather bags (don't forget your superman underwear). 

11. Take her for a ride in a car. 

12. Take her for a ride in a plane. 

13. Take her for a ride on an elephant. 

14. In a blimp. 

15. In a tank. 

16. On a horse. 

17. Hell, just take her for a ride on everything! 

18. Have dirt on your clothes. 

19. Have dirt on your hat. 

20. Have dirt everywhere. 

21. Go to a museum. 

22. Know about secret passageways. 

23. Take her around bugs and then save her, but don't tell her about your fear of snakes. 

24. Take her around swinging bridges and save her, but don't tell her about your fear of heights. 

25. Swat cobwebs away often. Take cobwebs off of things. Keep cobwebs in pocket to put on things so you can swat them away (women hate spiders). 

26. Speak multiple languages or just learn a bunch of foreign phrases and baffle her. 

27. Go to the bar where she works and order two shots of whiskey in Chinese. 

28. Don't let the shirtless bald guy with the alligator tooth necklace hit on her. 

29. Tell that crazy gustapo chick you're in a relationship. Direct her to the shirtless bald guy. 

30. Keep her away from the weird German guy who talks like Peter Lorre. 

31. Back at the room, lasso the champagne bottle with your bullwhip and deliver it to her, hopefully it will rub off the Andre label. 

32. Tell the monkey to leave the room. 

And, remember kid, love is like a treasure map, x never marks the spot and it takes an adventure to get there!